you are Dorothy Stratten

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<img src=Dorothy/dorothymirror4.png> you are Dorothy Stratten [[an interactive experience about life(s)]]

you are [[Dorothy Stratten]]

as a baby, you don't cry often. your mum nelly often finds you gazing up at the ceiling, [[lost in thought]]

your dad leaves your family. mum moves you all from vancouver to holland, because she longs to be back [[in her homeland]]

for your mum, canada has never felt like home but now, neither does holland. she is a stranger in her familiar land. you all move back to vancouver and your mum [[remarries]]

your step father is a cruel man [[but]]

<img src=Dorothy/louise.png> your little sister louise is born on may 8th, [[a darling taurus]]

you start writing poetry. you write: <<timed 1.5s>> "a foot meets the pavement for a moment, <</timed>> <<timed 4s>>the remains of a lowly earthworm <</timed>> <<timed 6s>> whose life was terminated <</timed>> <<timed 9s>> in the creation of a footprint. <</timed>> <<timed 12s>> at its journey's end <</timed>> <<timed 15s>>a foot dries up <</timed>> <<timed 18s>> slowly in a coffin <</timed>> <<timed 21s>> only to be transformed <</timed>> <<timed 24s>> into soil <</timed>> <<timed 27s>> by a lowly earthworm" <</timed>> <<timed 29.5s>>[[𓆙]]<</timed>>

lisa from your grade at school works at the dairy queen in town. she says she can get you [[the cashier position]]

you would be front of house: ❀ chatting with customers ❀ making small talk ❀ fighting through [[your shyness]]

phil's pharmacy is hiring too. ❀ you'd be working the stock room ❀ with lots of alone time in the back to write poetry ❀ a little bit isolated. but [[the shop dog]] would keep you company

dairy queen offers you the job, just like lisa promised. <<timed 3s>> and phil's pharmacy wants you to start monday after school. <</timed>> <<timed 6s>> they will both pay you the same starting salary. <</timed>> <<timed 9s>> [[so...]] <</timed>>

which job do you take? [[dairy queen]] or [[phil's pharmacy]]?

please be advised this interactive experience could contain written instances of <<cycle "$contents" autoselect>> <<option "violence">> <<option "sexual violence">> <<option "intimate partner abuse">> <<option "suicide">> <<option "homicide">> <<option "[[death]]">> <</cycle>>.

<img src=Dorothy/dq.jpg> you start on the first of the month two hours of training, really not much preparation for how [[busy]] the store is all day, every day

<img src=Dorothy/phils.jpg> you start monday after school. the stock room is dimly lit, and quite cozy. [[it's also a mess]].

you find yourself wishing school would go [[faster]] so that you could get to work.

and the owner has a [[son]].

you say <<cycle "$steady" autoselect>> <<option "okay">> <<option "sure">> <<option "yes">> <</cycle>> [[and you both keep it a secret from your boss ... his mom.]]

well, life is for the living so - [[yes]] you will run away to new york with him or what is he talking about?? your mum and little siblings would be devastated, you're only sixteen - [[no way]]

you run away to nyc together. you have no money. jack believes that any day now, he will be discovered as an actor. he vows off cigarettes. so you pick up smoking just to have time to yourself. [[you meet a new friend]]

he leaves that night and makes you promise to [[never tell his mom ... your boss]] where he has gone.

the guilt gives you an ulcer. you try to be as helpful as you can at the pharmacy. years pass. your boss...jack's mom is so fragile from heartache she barely speaks anymore. but she tells you something [[you never forget]]

you write it in your notebook, in the margins of a long abandoned poem: <<textbox "$unforgettable" "write her words + press enter" "you pass away in your sleep, age 81">>

by 26 years old, you end up running the entire store. she leaves it [[to you]] when she passes.

<img src=Dorothy/philphoto.png> the owner's name is philomena. she named the pharmacy "phil's" because she feels customers are more likely to trust a male pharmacist. a phil > a philomena. this unfairness makes you angrier than you ever let on. back to [[what's what]]

her name is gina and she smokes too. she notices [[you clutch your stomach a lot]].

gina is a student at the international center of photography. a representative from playboy magazine dropped off flyers [[at the school]]

you have never actually seen [[a playboy magazine]]

jack is horrified, he breaks up with you immediately but gina is so kind, she lets you sleep on her couch and on the day of the shoot, she blasts <<cycle "$music" autoselect>> <<option "janis ian">> <<option "foreigner">> <<option "donna summer">> <</cycle>> for you and tells [[you]]

you can't afford to stay in new york, your ulcer [[burns]] when you breath in.

a few days later, you are still shaking as you place the envelope into the mailbox 31 photo prints addressed to [[playboy hq]]

playboy calls you. someone named [[marilyn]] grabowski.

<img src=Dorothy/plane.jpg> it's only your second plane ride ever. playboy flies you business class, that's what you tell your mum years later. it was economy plus, but [[you didn't know that then.]]

you barely have time to <<cycle "$settle" autoselect>> <<option "change your clothes">> <<option "fix your makeup">> <<option "look around the guest house">> <<option "quickly rebrush your teeth">> <<option "say thank you to the butlers">> <<option "[[take a second]]">> <</cycle>> before you are whisked off to the studio.

<img src=Dorothy/mansion.jpg> the mansion twinkles in the pinkie dusk <<timed 2s>> you crunch along the gravel path, <</timed>> <<timed 4s>> down the sloping hills, <</timed>> <<timed 6s>> around the menagerie, <</timed>> <<timed 8s>> through the redwood forest, <</timed>> <<timed 10s>> and past the miniature model of the hollywood sign <</timed>> <<timed 13s>> [[you get a bit lost in mister hefner's disneyland]] <</timed>>

"would you like to join mister hefner in the grotto?" <<timed 2s>> you don't want to go. <</timed>> <<timed 4s>> you are cozy, clean, fresh faced, no makeup. <</timed>> <<timed 6s>> you don't want to have to make small talk with the boss.<</timed>> <<timed 8s>> [[you're scared.]] <</timed>>

but you don't want to make a bad impression. insult mr. hefner. ruin your chances. [[ruin your life.]]

the grotto could be the difference between being in the magazine and being sent away [[forever]]

you breathe in through your nose and say [["no, i am so terribly sorry..."]] or "[[yes, thank you, i will be right there]]"

<img src=Dorothy/grotto.jpg.png> the grotto air is [[thick]] with humidity.

"but i have <<textbox "$excuse" "quickly come up with an excuse here">> and i won't be able to join mister hefner. please extend my sincerest apologies to him." [[silence.]]

the next morning, a very polite editorial assistant from the magazine knocks on the guest room door, [[thanking you for your time]].

your stomach drops and tears swell from the back of your throat [[up to your eyes]]

he pretends <<cycle "$pretending" autoselect>> <<option "he doesn't hear you">> <<option "this is par for the course">> <<option "to not understand">> <<option "that you screaming 'no' actually means 'keep going'">> <<option "that he's never done this before">> <</cycle>> you swallow so much jacuzzi water that you vomit. you relive this in [[nightmares]] for the rest of your life.

in the morning, a butler doesn't knock, carrying in a breakfast tray and two dozen <<textbox "$roses" "write the color + press enter" "from the boss">> roses.

[[it's hef himself]]

you can't get your job back at the pharmacy. <<timed 2s>> you can barely manage to face your mum. <</timed>> <<timed 4s>> she will never fully forgive you for leaving. <</timed>> <<timed 6.5s>> [[dairy queen is still hiring]] <</timed>>

it's either cashier at the dairy queen [[or]] a janitorial position at Vancouver Community College

<img src=Dorothy/hallway.png> you work hard. your ulcer goes dormant [[but never goes away]].

your supervisor notices your silent resolve. she asks if you're interested in auditing some night classes. [[it's a perk]] if you work hard at the job.

you are a natural you excel, [[you're top of your class]]

you write about jack, about holland, about louise and your mum. about a doppelganger living her whole life under the sea you even write about <<textbox "$writing" "..." "writingwritingwriting">>

your voice is so soft when you read out loud it's like you're lip syncing but you're sharing, and your class applauds [[that's never happened before]]

<img src=Dorothy/mumbrella.png> you sit out on the back patio of your mum's apartment building [[and a book]]

your teacher reads it she doesn't ask your permission, she mails the only copy to her friend [[in los angeles]]

the phone rings at your mum's apartment [["it's someone from los angeles?"]]

bogdanovich buys the rights the [[tv movie version of your book]] is a moderate hit!

you never get that typed copy [[back]]

then you're awake and [[back behind the counter]]

[[the bell chimes]]

[["what's your name?"]] paul asks you, still smiling

you are seventeen. <<timed 2s>> paul is 26. <</timed>> <<timed 4s>> you are humble and self-deprecating. <</timed>> <<timed 6s>> paul's favorite thing is paul. <</timed>> <<timed 8s>> you internalize the world, deep in thought. <</timed>> <<timed 10s>> paul talks. <</timed>> <<timed 11s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 12s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 13s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 14s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 15s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 16s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 17s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 18s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 19s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 20s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 21s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 22s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 23s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 24s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 25s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 26s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 27s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 28s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 29s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 30s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 31s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 32s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 33s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 34s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 35s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 36s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 37s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 38s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 39s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 40s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 41s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 42s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 43s>> and keeps talking... <</timed>> <<timed 17.5s>> but pauls is <<cycle "$qualities" autoselect>> <<option "cheeky">> <<option "worldly">> <<option "rakish">> <<option "disarmingly sweet">> <<option "so quick witted">> <</cycle>> <</timed>> <<timed 25s>> and [[you fall in love]] right there in the dairy queen <</timed>>

<img src=Dorothy/paulscar.png> months go by. paul picks you up [[every night after work]]

[[paul is not unemployed]]

his brown eyes widen "you could be the next [[marilyn monroe]]"

<img src=Dorothy/marilynpoem.png> [[she wrote poems too,]] you start to say

<img src=Dorothy/playboycharm.png> playboy could be your big break, says paul playboy is a star maker, says paul playboy is for the top of the tops, the most beautiful women in the world, and if hugh hefner brings you into the playboy family, [["we're set for life, babe"]]

pose for some [[tasteful]]

"if you can't do this for me, for yourself, [[for us...]]"

the photographer is a friend of paul's but he also shoots the yearbook photos for your high school. last year, he took your tenth grade portrait. <<timed 7s>> [[to make you feel more comfortable,]] <</timed>>

you're trying to explain, trying to make him understand. you just have a really bad feeling about it, it's like you got an omen. you have to trust your gut. paul is barely listening. you plead for his understanding, he is ice cold. you [[never]] see him again.

"was that really so bad?" <<timed 1.5s>> yes. <</timed>> <<timed 2.5s>> you want to pretend it never happened. <</timed>> <<timed 3.5s>> but you don't want it to be a waste. <</timed>> <<timed 4.5s>> you want to be chosen <</timed>> <<timed 5.5s>> but you don't want your mum to ever know. <</timed>> <<timed 6.5s>> you want to make paul proud. <</timed>> <<timed 7.5s>> [[you really don't know what you want to happen]] <</timed>>

<<cycle "$timingz" autoselect>> <<option "minutes">> <<option "hours">> <<option "days">> <</cycle>> pass. <<timed 6.5s>> playboy calls you. <</timed>> <<timed 8.5s>> someone named [[marilyn grabowski]]. <</timed>>

<img src=Dorothy/plane.jpg> it's only your second plane ride [[ever]].

you barely have time to <<cycle "$settle" autoselect>> <<option "fix your makeup">> <<option "change your clothes">> <<option "look around the guest house">> <<option "say thank you to the butlers">> <<option "quickly rebrush your teeth">> <<option "[[take a breath]]">> <</cycle>> before you are whisked off to the studio

<img src=Dorothy/pinkiemansion.png> the mansion twinkles in the pinkie dusk <<timed 2s>>you crunch along the gravel path,<</timed>> <<timed 4s>>down the sloping hills,<</timed>> <<timed 6s>>around the menagerie,<</timed>><<timed 8s>> through the redwood forest,<</timed>> <<timed 10s>> and past the miniature model of the hollywood sign<</timed>> <<timed 12s>>you get a bit lost in [[mr. hefner's disneyland]]<</timed>>

"would you like to join mister hefner in the grotto?" <<timed 3s>> you don't want to go. <</timed>> <<timed 6s>> you are cozy, clean, fresh faced, no makeup. <</timed>> <<timed 9s>> you don't want to have to make small talk with the boss.<</timed>> <<timed 12s>> [[you are scared.]] <</timed>>

but you don't want to make a bad impression. insult mr. hefner. infuriate paul. ruin your chances. [[ruin your whole life.]]

the grotto could be the difference between being in the magazine [[and being sent away forever]]

you breathe in through your nose and say "yes, thank you, [[i will be right there]]" or [["oh no i am so terribly sorry..."]]

"but i have <<textbox "$excuse" "quickly come up with an excuse here">> and i won't be able to join mister hefner. please extend my sincerest apologies to him." the phone line clicks. [[silence.]]

<img src=Dorothy/grotto.jpg.png> the grotto air is thick with humidity. [[and cologne.]]

the next morning, a very polite editorial assistant from the magazine knocks on the guest room door thanking you for your time. he informs you that you have [[not]] been chosen for the magazine.

playboy books your flight home to vancouver that same day. you sob the whole 8 hours. you couldn't bring yourself to tell paul. but somehow he already knows. when he picks you up from the airport, he is stoic. for once, you're the one who can't stop talking. you're trying to explain, trying to make him understand. you could not go to the grotto with hef, your whole body rejected it. it was like you got an omen. you had to trust your gut feeling. paul drops you off at your mum's apartment building. you plead for his understanding, he is ice cold. [[you never see him again.]]

even though you feel as if you just time traveled for [[eons,]]

you keep working at dairy queen. you graduate high school. you get a raise, but not a promotion. your mum convinces you to take some night classes at the vancouver community college. [["take your mind off things"]]

your body is so sore from [[heartbreak]]. you need sleep.

you write <<timed 1s>>about paul<</timed>> <<timed 2s>>about playboy<</timed>> <<timed 3s>>[[about lost angeles]]<</timed>>

your voice is so soft when you read out loud it's like you're lip syncing but you're sharing, and your class applauds that's never happened [[before]]

your teacher reads it she doesn't ask your permission, she mails the [[only copy]] to her friend in los angeles

the phone rings at your mum's apartment "[[Dorothy? it's someone from los angeles?]]"

bogdanovich buys the rights, and the tv movie version of your book is a moderate hit [[you make a nice amount of money]]

you never get that typed copy back you sit down back at the library, retyping for days. your teacher feels terrible, she offers to show it to a friend of a friend in publishing but they're [[not interested.]]

you keep working at dairy queen. you graduate high school. you get a raise, but not a promotion. your mum convinces you to [[take some night classes]] at the vancouver community college.

your teacher asks you to be her teaching assistant. [[it's an olive branch]]

you feel furious you say yes you need the job you work hard [[years pass]]

[[you are a natural at teaching.]]

your teacher asks you to be her teaching assistant. [[an olive branch]]

<img src=Dorothy/bebe.jpg> you are a natural at teaching you teach english at a small private elementary school. your students love you, and you gift each of them a personalized poem every year for graduation you write every day for the rest of your life, and as you're writing, you're healing. your heart still aches for paul. but the pain is managable. you and your dog bebe pass away at the exact same moment, both sleeping peacefully ages 83 and 14 respectively [[you are Dorothy Stratten]]

in the morning, a butler doesn't knock, carrying in a breakfast tray and two dozen <<textbox "$roses" "write the color + press enter" "they're from the boss">> roses.

unfortunately, you will not be the 25th anniversary playmate <<timed 3s>> "you're just a bit young" <</timed>> <<timed 5s>> [[but!]] <</timed>>

<img src=Dorothy/sunsetstrip.jpg> paul insists on moving out to los angeles to be your full time manager he purposefully sits in traffic with his windows rolled down to try and [["network"]] with the other drivers

and you begin to [[shine]]

<img src=Dorothy/playboycup2.png> you agree to even more promotional photoshoots, you become a part-time waitress at the playboy club in century city, you say yes to every mansion party invitation, you even hang around the studio, offering to make endless cups of coffee [[for the whole playboy staff]]

something has darkened in his eyes. he starts critiquing your <<cycle "$critiques" autoselect>> <<option "body">> <<option "face">> <<option "weight">> <<option "teeth">> <<option "voice">> <<option "makeup">> <<option "hair color">> <<option "grammar">> <<option "posture">> <<option "laugh">> <<option "family">> <<option "friends">> <<option "ideas">> <<option "sense of humor">> <<option "music taste">> <<option "poetry">> <<option "intelligence">> <<option "instincts">> <<option "character">> <</cycle>> he [[frightens]] you

paul is in the middle [[of one of his monologues]],

[[his face falls]]

it's mary o'connor. [[hef's social secretary.]]

<img src=Dorothy/pepsi.png> hef doesn't actually drink tea. [[he's chugging pepsi.]]

"Dorothy. [[i've chosen you]]"

hef smiles smugly "tears of joy" but you are terrified. [[paul will say you owe this all to him.]]

hef frowns, noticing your tears aren't joyful. "Dorothy?" [["what's the matter sweetheart?"]]

wiping your tears, you thank him stiffly. you can't believe [[you are going to be playmate of the year]].

it floods out of you, the meanness, the guilt tripping, the cruelty, the threats [[you are scared of paul.]]

[[you move into the mansion]]

hef narrows his eyes and says cooly: [["suit yourself"]]

you and paul are going to the mansion [[it's a costume party]]

at the party, [[paul is busy trying to talk to hef.]]

paul is distracted, "networking" with anyone that will listen. you make eye contact with [[someone]]

you chat for almost an hour, he asks you questions. so many questions he even asks you <<textbox "$questions" "write question + press enter""paul is going to notice">> which no one's ever asked you before

thursday it is ♡ you tell paul you have a pre-production meeting for your playmate of the year shoot [[but really]]

he is a [[very famous]] director.

you start meeting for lunch [[every]] thursday at chasen's.

paul is [[restless]]

what do you do? you don't want to make him angry you're afraid of what he might do you owe him your career [[don't you?]]

paul takes you to vegas you don't tell hef where you're going, [[or why]]

he screams. he throws furniture. he says he will make you pay for this. you sob, out of guilt. and fear. and [[relief]]

you confess to peter at lunch the next week. you married paul. you wish you hadn't. what you don't say is [[you love peter.]]

<img src=Dorothy/script.png> production starts in new york. your first real acting role. written just for you. you're terrified, but exhilarated. when you close your eyes, you see [[your lines]].

you confess to peter at lunch the next week. you broke it off with paul. you couldn't marry him. [[what you don't say is]]

<img src=Dorothy/script.png> production starts in new york. your first real acting role. written just for you. you're terrified, but [[exhilarated]].

paul calls the set every day. <<timed 2s>> "put Dorothy on the line right fucking now" <</timed>> <<timed 5s>> you don't know how he got the number. <</timed>> <<timed 8s>> production starts hanging up on him, <</timed>> <<timed 9.5s>> so he tries using accents. <</timed>> <<timed 11.5s>> he even tries impersonating hef. <</timed>> <<timed 13.5s>> anything to get them to put you on the phone. <</timed>> <<timed 17s>> you squeeze your eyes shut and try to forget about paul. <</timed>><<timed 19s>> about playboy. <</timed>> <<timed 21s>> all those memories have curdled. <</timed>> <<timed 24s>> you focus on peter <</timed>> <<timed 26s>> on acting. <</timed>> <<timed 29s>> [[on the future]] <</timed>>

that's a wrap on the movie, peter is so proud. "you are [[a gifted actress]] Dorothy"

he makes it seem [[like an accident]].

the heartbreak really has softened him somehow, you still feel for paul. after all, he was the first person to really believe in you. you agree to [[meet him]] at the house on thursday

and when peter asks you [[where you're off to]]

<img src=Dorothy/house.jpg> you arrive at the house. the house you used to live in, the house paul still lives in. paul gives you a hug, it feels genuinely [[friendly]]

peter stands up out of his chair, his voice grave. [["Dorothy, don't go."]]

tears fill peter's eyes [["Dorothy, please don't go."]]

you acquiese: you won't go to paul. you'll [[call him right now to cancel]].

you can't sleep that night, you feel so guilty. you've never [[flaked]] on anyone, let alone paul.

but you and peter get married. you feel like he saved you. hef insists on hosting the wedding at the mansion. you never speak about paul again, but you write about him, about your sickening guilt. you hate yourself for missing paul and sometimes you hate peter. but feel as if you share one set of lungs [[this terrible secret]].

he has packed up your things into [[two]] cardboard boxes

you make small talk, paul makes some bad jokes. but you feel tender towards him. [[maybe]]...

paul calls the set every day. "put Dorothy on the line [[right fucking now]]"

"that's [[a wrap]] on the movie!"

he's being really sweet. he apologizes for scaring you, for hurting you. he pleads with you to meet him for one [[last]] lunch.

and [[when peter asks you]] where you're off to

peter says he'll come with you. just in case. for safety. [[you say it's really not necessary.]]

<img src=Dorothy/house.jpg> you arrive at the house. the house you used to live in, the house paul still lives in. paul gives you a hug, it feels genuinely [[friendly]]

paul kills you. and then kills himself. "unicorns are her proxy on earth" [[you are Dorothy Stratten]] <img src=Dorothy/dorothygrave.jpg>

"Dorothy will you please join me for tea in the [[rose garden]]?"

"Dorothy, you are going to be our [[25th anniversary playmate]]"

tears burst out of your eyes falling into the [[tea cup]]

hef smiles smugly "tears of joy" but you are <<textbox "$recipient_name" "write your emotions">> hef frowns, noticing [[something]].

but instead you say "nothing, i'm [[just...]] so happy."

"from the boss, he wants to congratulate you" [[the phone rings]] as they're saying this

hef doesn't actually drink tea, he's chugging pepsi. but he thought you might like some earl grey. you take long sips to avoid having to make small talk. [[neither of you ever mention the grotto]]

the next few weeks bleed into each other like [[murky watercolors]]

he walks over towards you and [[says]]

he walks over towards you "hi." [[he says]]

he really is handsome [[mysterious]]

you have to get back up to the party, hef is going to notice you're gone. peter asks to have lunch later this week. [["maybe on thursday?"]]

<img src=Dorothy/chasens.jpg> you meet peter for lunch at chasen's he has [[his own booth]] there

<img src=Dorothy/booths.jpg> you start meeting for lunch every week he wants to cast you in his next movie. he thinks you would be great for this role. actually, he wrote the role for you. [[he wrote the whole movie for you.]]

you tell your mum about him, but not on the phone. you think hef has the mansion phones [[tapped.]] you want to keep this sacred, it's none of hef's business.

peter casts you in the movie that he wrote for you you fall [[madly in love]] with each other

for best supporting actress in a comedy or musical <<timed 2s>> funny, <</timed>> <<timed 4s>> because you felt the script was [[so sad]] <</timed>>

you write. <<timed 1s>> an entire book [[floods]] out of you, handwritten. <</timed>>

it's about playboy. it's about hefner. it's about the [[truth]].

<img src=Dorothy/library.jpg> you take yourself to the library, wearing a grey wig so that [[no one will recognize you]].

you are <<cycle "$feelingz" autoselect>> <<option "shocked">> <<option "horrified">> <<option "disgusted">> <<option "confused">> <</cycle>> but maybe this is what real love is? <<cycle "$whatis" autoselect>> <<option "loving">> <<option "worrying about">> <<option "obsessing over">> <</cycle>> your person so that you go to any lengths to <<cycle "$reallove" autoselect>> <<option "ensure their safety">> <<option "stalk them">> <<option "[[betray their trust]]">> <</cycle>>

[[you breathe in through your nose]]

he has betrayed your trust he doesn't get to know anything more about you, [[about your inner life]].

he sobs. he considers this [[a betrayal]].

peter tells you "this is love Dorothy" "there has never been a love like ours" [["our love is like a unicorn"]]

you swallow your fury. the hypocrite. the creep. he wants you out of the house immediately, you pack up your clothes. you call your agent, [[she lets you crash with her]]

she reads it she loves it "Dorothy, this is [[something special]]."

your body poses for the 25th anniversary pictorial your mind takes you deep under the ocean, where you are a mermaid with [[black eyes]]

you blink, you’re back at the mansion you blink again, and [[three months have passed]]

[[today is the big celebration]] the 25th anniversary playmate of the year luncheon

hundreds of people are here [[to see the ultimate bunny]]

<img src=Dorothy/movemansion.jpg> it's not even the lesser of two evils it's just [[slightly less frightening]] than paul

the next few weeks bleed into each other [[like murky watercolors]]

your body poses for the 25th anniversary pictorial your mind takes you deep under the ocean, [[where you are a mermaid with black eyes]]

paul calls the mansion <<timed 1s>> all day <</timed>> <<timed 3s>> [[every day]] <</timed>>

although you never have to see him again in person, <<timed 2s>> you run into paul [[every night]] in terrors. <</timed>>

you start screaming in your sleep <<timed 1.5s>> the body guards report back to mary o'connor, <</timed>> <<timed 3s>> who reports back to hef, <</timed>> <<timed 4.5s>> who reports back to his personal physician, <</timed>> <<timed 6.5s>> who insists that you take something to help you [[relax]]<</timed>>

you [[sleep walk]] through the next three months

someone gets you dressed today is the playmate of the year luncheon [[today is the big celebration]]

<img src=Dorothy/unicornpiggybank.png> you want to help your mum with <<cycle "$moneys" autoselect>> <<option "rent">> <<option "groceries">> <<option "the phone bill">> <</cycle>> <<timed 5s>> so you give her your whole piggy bank,<</timed>> <<timed 7s>> every penny you've saved from every sidewalk <</timed>> <<timed 13s>> but your [[step father's words]] buzz in your ear... <</timed>>

with louise, you can be silly, you can be brave, you can be a leader. sometimes with her, you're even a little <<cycle "$sister_energy" autoselect>> <<option "stern">> <<option "mischievous">> <</cycle>> [[you turn 14 years old]]

at night, when you can't sleep, you hear the shop bell [[chiming in your mind]]

<img src=Dorothy/robe.png> it takes almost an hour for the playboy photography team to convince you to drop the terry cloth [[robe]].

like thousands of years have passed since you boarded [[that flight to los angeles,]]

you actually only missed two days of work. so dairy queen says you can come back, but [[don't disappear again]].

and you don't want to share your work in class, but you show louise and she says [["Dorothy, you have to share this in class"]]

<img src=Dorothy/mumsbackyard1.png> you sit out on the back patio of your mum's apartment building [[and a book,]]

the friend sends it to her ex, [[he's a director]]

[[he is peter bogdanovich]]

he's a bit older, a senior at your high school. [[his name is jack]]

he's quiet like you and he starts hanging around the stock room just to talk with you. he asks if you want to [[go steady]]

three months into dating, you feel distant from your mum and siblings. [[you're restless]]

you're craving something other than this daily monotony of school and work. then jack says [["let's run away to new york"]]

<img src=Dorothy/nyc.jpg> [["will you go with me?"]]

<img src=Dorothy/playmatesearch.jpg> they're searching for the 25th anniversary playmate. the prize money is [[$25,000.]]

gina thinks you have a chance of getting it. she offers to photograph you. you could send money back to your poor mum. [[do you pose nude for gina?]]

"you are so [[beautiful]] Dorothy"

you are shaking, but the pictures are [[angelic, serene]]

<img src=Dorothy/birdsmansion.jpg> the playboy mansion looks [[like a fairytale castle]] bleached by the sun

her heart is shattered. [[she thinks he's dead]].

you finally find the guest house, you take the longest bath of your life. the bathroom is pinkish marble and the gilded taps are shaped like <<cycle "$taps" autoselect>> <<option "buxom nymphs">> <<option "roman dolphins">> <<option "gagging swans">> <</cycle>> you are desperate to get into the king sized bed and drift [[far away]] from this day

<img src=Dorothy/playboyclub.jpg> it's a prestigious job, he assures you. you will be fitted for your own custom bunny costume. and who knows, he winks [[bunny today]], maybe playmate tomorrow!

you call your mum and apologize for running away, you beg her to come visit los angeles. you promise her that [[this is the first day of the rest of your life]].

it takes your mum and your siblings 2 years but they [[finally]] manage to come visit.

<img src=Dorothy/hefasjackal.png> hef is a jackal in gentleman's [[clothing]].

"Dorothy? what's the matter [[sweetheart]]?"

you scrunch up your face inhaling tears and mucus you want to throw the tea in his face and scream <<textbox "$screaming" "..." "b">>

what exactly? <<cycle "$betrayal" autoselect>> <<option "having your own thoughts?">> <<option "your own private life?">> <<option "being an artist?">> <<option "without needing everyone to know?">> <<option "being a writer?">> <<option "like him?">> <<option "[[being a better writer than him?]]">> <</cycle>>

[[he says he just can't trust you anymore]]

you cry tears of <<cycle "$tearz" autoselect>> <<option "fury">> <<option "heartache">> <<option "betrayal">> <<option "[[bitter clarity]]">> <</cycle>>

[[you tell her about your book]]

you murmur, "hi welcome to dairy queen, i'm Dorothy, how can i help you?" you think to yourself, <<textbox "$thoughts" "write thoughts + press enter""at night">>

<img src=Dorothy/paulmeetcute.png> [["i'm paul snider."]]

[[he's an entrepreneur]]

he's built businesses, <<cycle "$fortunes" autoselect>> <<option "made fortunes">> <<option "lost fortunes">> <</cycle>> [[he'll make them again]]

he's worked in <<cycle "$jobz" autoselect>> <<option "casting">> <<option "car sales">> <<option "club promotion">> <</cycle>> he even invented "a breast enhancing exercise machine" [[( . Y . )]]

he tells you he knows a star when he sees one "and you, Dorothy, are a star" [[ミ☆]]

some shmuck stole his idea and filed the patent [[out from under him]]

<img src=Dorothy/playmatesearch.jpg> "the bunny hunt: the search for playboy's 25th anniversary playmate is on!" "ladies, [[do you have what it takes]]?"

[[very tasteful]]

[[artistic, really]]

[[nude photographs]]

you feel like throwing up somehow this feels like deja vu you say [[there's no way]]

so you [[say yes]] or but you [[say no]]

you finally find [[the guest house]]

he makes small talk, then abruptly grabs you by your shoulders. he forces himself up against you, the frothing jacuzzi water burns your mouth. all the while he's speaking so calmly, like he's narrating a golf match. [[you are screaming]]

[[next]]

[[big]]

[[thing]]

[[it's not for him]]

he shoves the receiver [[into your hands]]

"to be our [[next playmate of the year]]"

"[[miss 1980]]"

tears burst out of your eyes [[falling into the tea cup]]

hef's face is grey. he says he is concerned for you. "you should move into the mansion. [[live here]], and i can offer you full protection."

do you [[leave paul and move into the mansion?]] or wipe your tears, thank hef for his concern, but say no thank you, you'll [[figure it out on your own]]

<img src=Dorothy/peterattheparty.jpg> [["i'm peter bogdanovich"]]

you smile politely. your heart is beating faster. you have no idea who he is, but you want to know [[everything]].

he suggests a walk outside [["where we can actually hear ourselves think"]]

you have to get back up to the party, paul is going to notice you're gone. peter asks to have lunch later this week. [["thursday?"]]

<img src=Dorothy/chasens.jpg> [[you meet peter for lunch]] at chasen's

you tell your mum about peter, [[but not on the phone.]]

angry [[all the time]]

[[he's onto you]].

[[he gives you an ultimatum]].

"marry me Dorothy" <<timed 2s>> "or <</timed>> <<timed 2.5s>> i <</timed>> <<timed 3s>> will <</timed>> <<timed 3.5s>> make <</timed>> <<timed 4s>> your <</timed>> <<timed 4.5s>> life <</timed>> <<timed 5s>> [[hell]]" <</timed>>

maybe this could be a new beginning for you both. for your love. after all, paul loved you when you were nobody. the day you met him, you told your sister "he's the love of my life" do you want to just throw that all away? and be an ungrateful, capricious flake? [[you agree to marry paul]] or he is a small minded, mean man. he is not creative, he is not empathetic, he is not kind. he makes you hate yourself. he makes you feel trapped inside your own body he is so narcissistic, he is so self-loathing- he is cruel. [[you deserve real love]]

[[you refuse to marry paul]]

you love peter. you have fallen fully in love with him. [[what peter doesn't say]]

is that he loves you. he can't stop thinking about you. as [[more]] than a friend.

what peter says instead is [["let's make this movie."]]

"we'll shoot in new york." "it will be a brand new, [[fresh page]] for you."

you and peter confess your love for each other you promise each other that you'll both keep it a secret from the cast and crew. from the world. [[from paul.]]

you'll tell them [[all]] once the shoot is wrapped.

peter is so proud. "you are a gifted actress Dorothy" [[you hope he's right.]]

back in los angeles, dreaming of the plaza, paul screams at you to [[get him a seat]] at hef's table for the playmate of the year luncheon

<img src=Dorothy/lionmanhef.png> "the playmate of the year always takes me as her [[date]]."

at the luncheon, you have to give an acceptance speech. you say softly, "I would like to thank [[my other half]]"

you'll be with peter. you'll keep acting. you've been trying to convince your mum and louise to move to los angeles. maybe they finally will. <<timed 5s>> [[paul calls.]] <</timed>>

"i just want to end on a high note." "maybe we could even be friends some day" <<timed 3s>> the heartbreak really has [[softened]] him <</timed>>

<img src=Dorothy/fatemerald2.png> he fumbles for the light switch and you see he's holding this huge emerald ring. before you can answer, <<timed 4s>> [[he cries.]] <</timed>>

he confesses. <<timed 1s>> he had a hit taken out on paul. <</timed>> <<timed 4s>> now he'll never come [[between]] you two again. <</timed>>

"to make sure you are safe!" "i just worry about you so much Dorothy" [["what on earth have you been doing at the library?"]]

and [[you tell peter about your book]], your memoir, your truth or [[you lie, you say you were doing some ... research ...]] for a surprise birthday gift for him.

"but i have <<textbox "$excuse" "quickly come up with an excuse here" >> and i won't be able to join mister hefner. please extend my sincerest apologies to him." [[the phone line clicks.]]

"but i have <<textbox "$excuse" "quickly come up with an excuse here">> and i won't be able to join mister hefner. please extend my sincerest apologies to him." [[silence.]]

"i won't be able to join mister hefner tonight. i have <<textbox "$excuse" "quickly come up with an excuse here""the phone line clicks.">> "please extend my sincerest apologies to him."

you've never even let paul see you without a bra. paul says <<cycle "$schmoozes" autoselect>> <<option "this is your chance honey">><<option "our chance">><<option "we can have all we ever wanted">> <<option "all you gotta do is take a couple of beautiful nude pictures">> <<option "it's art! all the artists paint nudes">> <<option "picasso!">> <<option "michelangelo!">> <<option "that other guy with the messed up ear!">> <<option "[[all those guys you're always yapping on about]]">><</cycle>>

"come on, honey. [[do it for us]]"

"then i don't think there's [[a future]] here"

<img src=Dorothy/peter.png> peter bogdanovich wants to option your book into a made-for-television movie you don't understand [[how this is happening]]

then peter confesses to you [[one night]]

[[you carefully tear up each page]], as peter snores

he says he can't believe you have been doing this [[without telling him]]

<img src=Dorothy/paulpimp.jpg> paul insists on wearing "a pimp costume" but he really did work as a pimp back in vancouver. he actually still works as one, he just keeps it a secret from you. you never find out. so this ^ [[is not really a costume at all.]]

you don't want to fight you don't want to make him angry you just want to go to this party and have some blissful hours of escapism so [[you say nothing]] about the "costume"

you wanted to go as a mermaid but paul insists you accompany him, as his "main girl" [[so you put on the outfit he lays out for you]]

you don't tell peter you don't tell anyone paul keeps kissing you on your neck, but really it's more like right [[on your ear]]

you're trying not to let him see <<cycle "$vegas" autoselect>> <<option "your irritation">><<option "your trepidation">> <<option "your repulsion">> <<option "your pity">> <</cycle>> [[it's done.]] you're married to paul.

you have fallen fully in love with him. [[and what peter doesn't say]]

is that he loves you. he can't stop thinking about you. he feels he's known you [[in every lifetime.]]

what peter does say is "let's make [[this movie]]."

"we'll shoot in new york." "it will give you some time [[away.]]"

you work [[so]] hard.

you and peter confess your love for each other, and you promise each other that you'll both keep it a secret from the cast and crew. and from paul. you'll tell them all [[once the shoot is wrapped]].

squeeze your eyes shut. try to block it out. block out paul. block out playboy. all those memories have [[curdled]].

you focus on peter, on acting. on the future but you finish shooting the movie [[and you have to go home to los angeles]]

you think it's a bit odd that he folded your clothing so carefully he never even folds [[his own clothes]]

one day you really will be friends <<timed 3s>> [[before you can say this,]] <</timed>>

<img src=Dorothy/dorothytape.png> in a few days, you come up with an organization system using labels made with masking tape. your bubbly handwriting delineates [[what's what]].

you tell your mum all about it when you get home she always waits up for you [[she is so proud of you]]

you tell her reluctantly about the pain and she correctly predicts it's a stress ulcer. [[you need money]]

you are so achingly shy no one has seen you totally nude [[except your sister]]

not even jack especially not jack you [[hope]] you are beautiful

and you [[fear]] that you are not

you chose cashier at [[the dairy queen]] or [[you choose custodian at the college]]

you are invisible to the students, invisible at best. [[targeted at worst]].

someone accidentally on purpose spills their soup canteen all over you. [[they all laugh]].

you clench your jaw and say <<timed 2s>> [[nothing]] <</timed>>

your body is so sore. [[you need sleep]].

[[but you say yes, and sit in the back row of a creative writing class]] or but you say yes, and sit in the back grow of an [[intro to child psychology class]]

and you don't want to share your work in class, but you show louise and she says "Dorothy" [["you have to share this in class"]]

the friend sends it to her [[ex]], he's a director

[[he's peter bogdanovich]]

[[but you say yes]] or [[so you say no]]

you sit down back at the library, [[retyping]] for days.

your teacher feels terrible, she offers to show it [[to a friend]]

[[of a friend]]

who knows someone in [[publishing]]

but [[they're not interested.]]

<img src=Dorothy/ladysmith.jpg> you make a nice amount of money you buy a small farm in ladysmith your mum and sister move there with you, your brother visits sometimes. you have rescue animals and you sell jams and pickled vegetables in the winter, you rent small cabins to increasingly cosmopolitan tourists who love the feeling of living off the grid, for a few days you love waking up for sunrise and kissing each piglet on the head you never write again [[you are Dorothy Stratten]]

your teacher mentors you you get a scholarship [[to study child psychology]] at the university of british columbia

<img src=Dorothy/rosegarden.jpg> you help thousands of children in your life and career they call you miss Dorothy, they ask to see your ruby slippers. you are an early pioneer of equine-assisted therapy for kids to you, horses are even more beautiful than unicorns you die too young, age 56, of a respitory infection. your collegues dedicate a small rose garden in your honor. children are playing there, right now. [[you are Dorothy Stratten]]

<img src=Dorothy/lab.jpg> she's a sweet old chocolate labrador, she loves you instantly her name is <<textbox "$labrador" "(write her name + press enter)" "blonde">>

maybe you could meet some new friends, or even someone cute. you already know all the boys in your grade and they're all <<cycle "$boys" autoselect>> <<option "immature">> <<option "predictable">> <<option "repulsive">> <<option "like annoying brothers">> <<option "only interested in physical stuff">> <</cycle>> <<timed 8s>> [[also...]] <</timed>>

<img src=Dorothy/hefasjackal.png> hefner is a jackal [[in gentleman's clothing]]

<img src=Dorothy/plaza.jpg> [[you quietly move into peter's suite at the plaza.]]

you [[try hard]] to believe him.

you convince yourself that this is just [[how life goes.]]

you work for 6 years as a bunny, and then as a bunny mother: the manager of the club. when the los angeles location closes in 1986, you get a job [[at the studio]].

<img src=Dorothy/bunnyintheyard.png> as a junior playmate editor, you help run the playmate photo shoots. you gently coach the new girls, make them feel comfortable. you tell them that you totally understand, because you do. you assure them they look beautiful, because they do. you move your mum, louise, and john to california, they're out in bakersfield. you're in encino. you see bunnies in your yard every morning. you remain part of the playboy family for life, celebrating every easter at the mansion. hef writes a short statement for your obituary, praising your loyalty and years of service, offering his sincere condolences. your headstone has a small rabbit engraved at the top. [[you are Dorothy Stratten]]

your heart is shattered. paul disconnects his phone. [[you can't stop crying.]]

[[content warning]]

you can stop the experience at any time by closing out of the window. <<timed 2s>> [[a note]] <</timed>>

<img src=Dorothy/ceilingfan2.png> in the ceiling of the old house, you see <<cycle "$ceiling" autoselect>> <<option "animals">> <<option "constellations">> <<option "people's faces">> <<option "something new every time">> <<option "your future">> <</cycle>> your baby brother John is born and [[three years go by]]

you are nervous to show [[the owner]], but when you do, [[she's thrilled]].

you are born in british columbia on february 28th, 1960 you are a true pisces: gentle, brave, dreamy, and filled with [[ancient knowledge]]

with most people you are bashful, a true introvert. but your sister gets to see [[the real you.]]

PoEtRy WoNt PaY tHe BiLlS <<timed 2.5s>> it's 1974 <</timed>> <<timed 4s>> and [[it's time to get a job]] <</timed>>

you cry so hard you get a chest infection. [[you never break your promise.]]

<img src=Dorothy/philomenas.png> you rename the pharmacy from phil's to philomena's. and you don't care that the town is mad about it. [[it's to honor her]].

<img src=Dorothy/bebe22.png> you save up enough money to buy a townhouse for you and your mum. louise and john come for sunday dinner, every week. your siblings can make you laugh so hard you cry. you write a poem a day, every day of your life. and you take up photography, setting up a dark room at the shop. you have reoccuring dreams of waterfalls, frozen. you pass away in your sleep, age 81, survived by your sweet dog bebe. [[you are Dorothy Stratten]]

so that no one will point and whisper, "that's peter bogdanovich's girl." it takes you [[11 days]] but you type up the entire manuscript.

<img src=Dorothy/funinthesun.jpg> together, you attend 'fun in the sun' parties at the playboy mansion [[every sunday]].

<img src=Dorothy/windbreaker.png> you meet them at the airport and gift them each [[a playboy windbreaker]].

every day you feel more and more <<cycle "$feelings" autoselect>> <<option "claustrophobic">> <<option "trapped">> <<option "scared of paul">> <<option "embarrassed by him">> <<option "[[guilty that you're falling out of love]]">> <</cycle>>

[[meanwhile, hef tells everyone you're his next big star]]

<img src=Dorothy/hefdevil.jpg> you hate him you want him to die but you are determined to make this all [[worth it]].

your hatred protects you like an invisible cake dome. you vow to yourself: [[you will eclipse him into obscurity]]

you take long sips to avoid having to make small talk. he takes a deep breath [[and tells you]]

you scrunch up your face [[inhaling tears and mucus]]

and say [["it's paul."]] or you say [["nothing, i'm just... so happy."]]

you’re 20,000 leagues under when <<timed 3s>> you make [[eye contact]] with someone <</timed>>

he is a [[very]] famous director.

<img src=Dorothy/plaza.jpg> you quietly move into peter's suite at the plaza. you make excuses, avoiding most of [[paul's phonecalls]].

production starts hanging up on him, so he tries using accents. he even tries impersonating hef. [[anything]] to get them to put you on the phone.

"i am not going to sit with the fucking plebians in the back!" "i am [[your husband]] god damn it!"

you write a letter to paul your handwriting is shaky, but you purposefully write in ink. [[for finality]].

you write that it's over. you need space. you need a divorce. [[soon you'll be free.]]

you kiss peter's forehead and reassure him, [[you can handle paul.]] or peter looks so forlorn, so worried. [[you say he can come with you, if he waits in the car]]

peter insists on driving, even though you're the better driver by far [[he's jumpy, distracted]]

you gently suggest that he takes south beverly glen it's [[a few minutes faster]] and avoids the 405

peter nods, turning onto [[south beverly glen]] or peter ignores you, he takes [[sunset boulevard to the 405]]

the drive goes so fast you feel as if you're dreaming you arrive at the house and peter jumps out of the driver's seat [[locking you inside the car]]

<img src=Dorothy/traffic.jpg> you are stuck in horrible traffic. you're annoyed with peter, [[he always does this]]

<img src=Dorothy/house.jpg> here you are, at the house. the house you used to live in, the house paul still lives in. paul gives you a hug, it feels genuinely [[friendly]]

acts like he knows best even when [[you are objectively right]]

what should have been a twenty minute drive is now taking [[41 minutes]]

paul is going to be furious, you want to scream at peter he's making this all [[so much worse]]

peter is awful at driving, and [[the freeway]] really intimidates him

casey kasem's voice warbles through the car radio <i> "you folks are gonna wanna [[listen close]] to this" </i>

peter is mid-sentence, <<timed 1s>> correcting casey's grammar <</timed>> <<timed 3s>> when a semi-truck smashes into [[his driver's side door]] <</timed>>

<<timed 3s>> [[miraculously]] <</timed>>

you [[both]] survive

not even a scratch on either of you. out of an abundance of caution, [[an ambulance]] takes peter and you to cedars-sinai

from the hospital, you desperately try to reach paul, calling him [[over and over]]

you never forgive yourself. you barely forgive peter. you never speak about paul again, but you write about him [[nightly]], about your sickening guilt.

<img src=Dorothy/jayneclaudiastar.png> "jayne mansfield!" "claudia jennings!" "star stowe!" you're shooting on paul's bed and he brags that the throw blanket was given to him "by a native chief, it's [[real bear skin]]"

<img src=Dorothy/bearskin.png> but you spot the ragged edge of a hastily cut [[washing label]]

you're shaking you keep bursting into tears ruining <<cycle "$ruins" autoselect>> <<option "your makeup">> <<option "the shot">> <<option "[[paul's mood]]">> <</cycle>>

finally [[it's over]]

"you can call me [[mo]]"

mo wants you to come to los angeles, today. okay- it can be tomorrow if necessary. but [[immediately]].

she wants you to come "test" for the magazine. you'll be staying at the playboy mansion "that's where [[all our girls stay]] when they're testing"

playboy flies you business class, that's what you tell paul. it was economy plus, but [[you didn't know that]].

<img src=Dorothy/limo.jpg> a stretch limousine meets you at lax, with a printed sign that says [["welcome Dorothy"]]

you sit in nearly two hours of traffic you feel like you're going to be sick <<timed 4s>> [[but then]] <</timed>>

the light [[changes]]

<img src=Dorothy/gates.jpg> and you're at the [[gates]]

<img src=Dorothy/thegreatlawn.jpg> the playboy mansion looks like a fairytale castle [[bleached]] by the sun

you're gripping the phone receiver so tightly your fingers go numb [["miss Dorothy, are you still there?"]]

<img src=Dorothy/peter.png> peter bogdanovich wants to option [[your book]] into a made-for-television movie

you are angry you are heart wrecked but you say yes because you [[need]] the job.

you work hard [[and years pass]]

<img src=Dorothy/wishingwell.jpg> right by the [[wishing well]].

<img src=Dorothy/peternocredit.png> peter wants your opinion on everything. every script he's writing, every casting decision, even his outfits for the day. you become his ghostwriter he will never credit you publicly. but you know the truth. [[you are Dorothy Stratten]]

he moves on briskly, explaining that your playmate of the year pictorial is scheduled to start shooting [[in just two weeks]]

you thank him stiffly, you can't believe you are going to be playmate of the year [[that night,]] paul hits you in the face when you tell him the news

he then breaks down crying, and you find yourself [[comforting him,]]

telling him [[everything is going to be alright]]

telling him [[I promise I'm not leaving]]

telling him [[I will always love you]]

you are already out of love, but you feel so bad for him. he's a scared boy trying to act like a tough man. [[the next night,]]

but his landline goes to voicemail [[every time.]]

<<timed 4s>> [[paul has taken his own life]]. <</timed>>

you don't know that yet. to you, he's quietly charming, soft spoken, super inquisitive. he tells you about his daughters, his childhood, his painful failures in work, and in love he asks you about your favorite movies, your family, vancouver compared to los angeles, your earliest memories, your poetry, your reoccuring dreams about <<textbox "$dreamzz" "..." "you start meeting for lunch every thursday">>

<img src=Dorothy/booths.jpg> he has his own booth. he wants to cast you in his next movie. he thinks you would be great for this role. actually, he wrote the role for you. he wrote [[the whole movie]] for you.

<img src=Dorothy/spaghetti.jpg> she rubs your back, she makes you chef boyardee. it's [[your favorite]] from when you were little.

she asks you, [["what happened?"]]

she gets you [[a publishing deal]]

you feel so good accomplishing your daily [[checklist]].

instead of checkmarks, you draw a flower next to ✿ each ❁ completed [[❀]] task

[[so you pose nude]] or [[so you will not pose nude]]

[["but you can call me mo."]]

mo wants you to come to los angeles, today. okay- it can be tomorrow if necessary. but immediately. she wants you to come "test" for the magazine. [[you'll be staying at the playboy mansion]] "that's where all our girls stay when they're testing"

<img src=Dorothy/limo.jpg> a stretch limousine meets you at lax, with a printed sign that reads [["Dorothy"]]

<img src=Dorothy/robe.png> it takes nearly an hour for the playboy photography team to convince you to drop [[the terry cloth robe]].

you cry softly and they have to re-do your makeup. [[finally it's over]] and you are driven back to the mansion

the steaming chlorine makes you cough. hef offers you some bathing suits to choose from, [[you didn't think to bring one.]]

he gestures to a private changing room carved out of fake rock. [[the playboy is a gentleman]].

<img src=Dorothy/hefdevil.jpg> you hate him you want him to die but you are determined to make this all worth it. your hatred [[protects you]] like an invisible cake dome

you keep working as an actress steadily successfully [[but at night, once peter starts snoring]]

you type it up at the library it's about <<textbox "$book" "describe here">> and also about <<textbox "$alsobook" "elaborate + press enter" "your teacher reads it">>

[[your heart is beating faster]].

you have no idea who he is, but you want to know everything. he suggests [[a walk outside]]

that he hired a private detective, <<timed 2s>> [[to follow you.]] <</timed>>

you take the longest bath of your life. the bathroom is pinkish marble and the gilded taps are shaped like <<cycle "$taps" autoselect>> <<option "buxom nymphs">> <<option "roman dolphins">> <<option "gagging swans">> <</cycle>> you are desperate to get into the king sized bed and [[drift far away from this day...]]

<img src=Dorothy/playboymansionphone.png> but the phone rings [[......]]

you tell your mum you're at lisa's house, [[studying]]

<img src=Dorothy/paulbouquet.jpg> paul wines and dines you, except you have never tasted [[wine]]

you order a club soda, you heard it once in a movie paul teases you, calls you <<cycle "$namecalling" autoselect>> <<option "a putz">> <<option "a princess">> <<option "a dork">> <<option "a space cadet">> <<option "a baby">> <</cycle>>, but his eyes have hearts in them [[♡ ♡]]

today playboy, tomorrow hollywood! [[all you have to do is]]

paul has taped up [[previous playboy centerfolds]] all around his apartment

you vow to yourself: you will [[eclipse]] him into obscurity.

he acts like [[nothing ever happened]]

he tells you to think of him like a father [[he takes a deep breath]], his eyes sparkling

hef [[parades]] you around the party

introducing you to <<cycle "$introductions" autoselect>> <<option "agents">> <<option "managers">> <<option "hangers-on">> <<option "leering superstars">> <</cycle>> and you sink back into the deep sea of [[your mind]]

you're gripping the phone receiver so tightly your fingers go numb "miss Dorothy, [[are you still there?]]"

the steaming chlorine mixed with fragrance [[makes you cough]].

hef offers you some bathing suits to choose from, you didn't think to bring one. he gestures to a private changing room carved out of fake rock. [[maybe the playboy is a gentleman?]]

"from the boss, he wants to congratulate you" the roses smell like [[smoke]]

"where we can actually hear ourselves [[think]]"

you chat for almost an hour, he asks you questions so many questions he even asks you <<textbox "$questions" "write question + press enter" "hef is going to notice you're gone">> which no one's ever asked you before.

[[you agree to take a walk outside]] or [[you smile shyly and say you really can't leave the party]]

he smiles, a bit sadly [["i understand"]]

you take your playboy money and run, [[never returning to los angeles]]

[[but really...]]

you were born one ♡ [[you are Dorothy Stratten]]

you don't know that yet. <<timed 2s>> to you, he's quietly charming, soft spoken, super inquisitive.<</timed>> <<timed 4s>> he tells you about his daughters, <</timed>> <<timed 6s>> his childhood, <</timed>> <<timed 8s>> his painful failures in work <</timed>> <<timed 10s>> [[and in love]].<</timed>>

he asks you about <<timed 1.5s>> your siblings, <</timed>> <<timed 3.5s>> your mum, <</timed>> <<timed 5.5s>> your feelings about los angeles, <</timed>> <<timed 7.5s>> your favorite movies, <</timed>> <<timed 9.5s>> your poetry, <</timed>> <<timed 11.5s>> your re-occuring dreams about <<textbox "$dreams" "confide dreams + press enter" "your">> <</timed>>

you write to her in letters, coded mostly in [[dutch]]. just in case

<img src=Dorothy/peterhouse.png> you move into his home, only a few blocks away from the mansion [[you are nominated for a golden globe]]

about what really happened at playboy. [[no one will ever get to know.]]

you assure him, gently that it's just lunch. just courtesy. it's [[the right thing to do.]]

after all, [[paul believed in you]] before anyone else did

"i have a horrible feeling." "a horrible, horrible feeling [[in my stomach]],"

"in my [[whole body]]."

he rolls his sleeve up, showing you how every hair on his arm is standing [[pin straight]].

"please don't go Dorothy." <<timed 4.5s>> you're torn down the middle. <</timed>> <<timed 7s>> you don't want to upset paul, <</timed>> <<timed 8.5s>>break his heart again. <</timed>> <<timed 11s>> you don't want to upset peter... <</timed>> <<timed 14s>> his conviction [[chills you.]] <</timed>>

peter [[begs]] you

"don't even tell him." "please don't speak with him" "ever again." he says it again, about this gut feeling, his intuition. [[okay.]]

peter wakes up early, before the sunrise. you [[pretend]] to be asleep.

he shakes your shoulder, and says "Dorothy. [[marry me.]]"

your stomach drops. you're horrified. you're relieved. you're [[afraid.]]

he parades you around the mansion parties he sets up meetings for you with agents, entertainment lawyers, health gurus [[they're all part of "the playboy family"]]

neither of you ever mention the grotto he acts like nothing ever happened he tells you to think of him "like [[a father]]"

you finally tell your mum [[the whole truth]] over the phone

that you are in los angeles and you [[are going to be in playboy]]

your mum gasps <<timed 1.2s>> but tells you she is proud of you for being brave <</timed>> <<timed 3s>> for trying something [[totally new]] <</timed>>

your first playboy pictorial flies off newsstands, you really are [[the]]

you fill your hours with as much work as possible you barely have time to come home [[between gigs]]

you do all of this <<timed 1.5s>> [[to avoid paul]] <</timed>>

berating you for being [[ungrateful]]

<<timed .2s>> "you would be nothing if it weren't for me" <</timed>> <<timed 1.5s>> "you were a dime a dozen, <</timed>> <<timed 2.5s>> buck toothed nobody" <</timed>> <<timed 3.5s>> "working <</timed>> <<timed 3.7s>> at <</timed>> <<timed 3.9s>> the <</timed>> <<timed 4.2s>> god <</timed>> <<timed 4.7s>> damn <</timed>> <<timed 5.1s>> dairy <</timed>> <<timed 5.7s>> queen." <</timed>> <<timed 7s>> "a loser! <</timed>> <<timed 8s>> a zero!" <</timed>> <<timed 9s>> "i made you a star" <</timed>> <<timed 10s>> "i gave you all this" <</timed>> <<timed 11s>> "i invented Dorothy Stratten" <</timed>> <<timed 12s>> "i am Dorothy Stratten!" <</timed>> <<timed 13s>> the phone rings [[and paul dashes for it]] <</timed>>

"will you please join mister hefner for afternoon tea at the mansion? [[this afternoon?]]"

[[you would rather sip tea with the devil]] than stay another minute inside this house with paul

but he thought you might like some [[earl grey]]

if you become playmate of the year, [[paul will never let you go.]]

hef orders his secretarial team to change the landline number and the office number too, [[while they're at it]]

<img src=Dorothy/lionplayboymansion.jpg> you have [[24 hour security]] outside of the guest house

hef keeps you safe from paul <<timed 4s>> [[at least physically]] <</timed>>

paul is convinced that hef and him will make a great [[business team.]]

hef shakes paul's hand politely, even asks how he is liking california, but excuses himself [[just as paul is about to start pitching "a new joint venture."]]

hef has already turned away as paul calls out: <<timed 2s>> "you know, <</timed>> <<timed 3.5s>> a lot of people call me the hugh hefner of vancouver!" <</timed>> <<timed 8.5s>>[[you are mortified.]] <</timed>>

you think paul's had the phones tapped. you write her letters instead, with many key words coded in dutch. [[just in case]]

you hope he's right. back home in la, hef refuses to allow you to bring peter as your [['plus one']] to the playmate of the year luncheon.

<img src=Dorothy/measherplusone.jpg> "the playmate of the year always takes [[me]] as her date."

you put up with it, it's nearly over. and then [[you'll be free.]]

you'll be with peter. you'll keep acting. maybe your mum and louise will move to los angeles like you've been trying to convince them. you don't know this, but [[paul has been following you.]]

you wonder if [[it's fate?]]

paul has softened. he pleads with you to meet him [[for one last lunch]].

he promises it will be all cordial. "after all we've been through baby, i just want to end on a high note." "maybe we can even be friends [[some day]]"

and [[then]] thursday comes

hef explains that your playmate of the year pictorial is scheduled to start shooting in just two weeks that night, when you tell paul [[the big news]]

he hits you in the face he then breaks down crying, [[and yet you find yourself]]

<<cycle "$comfort" autoselect>> <<option "comforting him">> <<option "telling him everything is going to be okay">> <<option "[[telling him you will always love him]]">> <</cycle>>

you are already out of love, but you feel so bad for him. he's a scared boy trying to act like a tough man. [[the next night,]]

you are too scared to tell paul. you'll let him find out [[the day of the luncheon]]

[[you don't know what you want to happen]]

he informs you that although [[you have not been chosen for the magazine,]]

you are invited to train at the playboy club here in los angeles, and become [[a bunny]]

[[you didn't make the magazine.]]

but you have a job. [[a chance]].

you begin [[bunny training]] the next afternoon.

you place a long distance call to gina, thanking her for the photos, hanging up before she asks you what happened. you live at the bunny house, a dormitory-style apartment complex run by the magazine. [[you really don't miss jack at all.]]

<img src=Dorothy/insidedairyqueen.png> and the bell has not chimed once today has been so slow, unusually slow, [[barely any customers]]

you pencil the first few words of a new piece: <<textbox "$newpoem" "..." "when suddenly">>

this stranger says [["hi."]]

"she had a killer body and a baby voice too," [[paul talks over you excitedly]]

then he unfolds [[a flyer]] stashed behind his pocket square

an entire book [[floods out of you, handwritten.]]

<img src=Dorothy/drycleaner.png> that you both just happened to be at the same dry cleaners [[at the same time]].

"doll, you still have stuff at the house. [[i wanna give it back to you]]"

[[you don't tell peter you're going to see paul]] you lie, saying you have a meeting with the playboy legal team. you're still negotiating the terms of a potential television special that they want to make about your life as playmate of the year or [[you decide to tell peter that you're going to see paul]] you take a deep breath you say please don't get upset but you believe it's the right thing to do, the decent thing to do, for the man you once loved the man who discovered you

you don't want peter to get all worried. or jealous. so you lie, saying you have a meeting with the playboy legal team. you make something up on the spot: you're still negotiating the terms of a potential tv special that they want to make about your life as playmate of the year [[you don't tell peter you're going to see paul]] or you take a deep breath you say please don't get upset but you believe it's the right thing to do, the decent thing to do, for the man you once loved. the man who discovered you. [[you decide to tell peter that you're going to see paul]]

you're only three but you feel <<textbox "$feelings" "(write feelings + press enter)" "holland">> about moving to holland

[[doesn't anyone have work or school?]]

this customer is already smiling at you your whole face [[smiles back]] before you can stop it

you close your smile, self concious of your <<cycle "$mouth" autoselect>> <<option "teeth">> <<option "voice">> <<option "youth">> <<option "uniform hat with the giant red pom pom">> <</cycle>> it's october 1977 and you've never felt more [[alive]]

<img src=Dorothy/vancouver.png> she says you can borrow her car for the long drive to campus "it'll be good for you Dorothy" [["take your mind off things"]]

but you say okay, and sit in the back row of an [[intro to creative writing class]] or but you say okay, and sit in the back row of an [[intro to child psychology class]]

an entire book floods out of you, handwritten. it's about <<textbox "$book" "describe + press enter""you type it up at the library">>

you don't understand how this is happening [[but you say okay]] or [[so you say no thank you]]

<img src=Dorothy/ladysmith.jpg> you buy a small farm in ladysmith your mum and sister move there with you, your brother visits sometimes you have rescue animals and you sell jams and pickled vegetables in the winter, you rent the farm's small cabins to increasingly cosmopolitan tourists who love the feeling of living off the grid, for a few days your heart still aches for paul for what might have been but the pain is managable. you love waking up for sunrise and kissing each piglet on the head you teach a creative writing workshop at the farm every summer, and it's always fully booked. [[you are Dorothy Stratten]]

<img src=Dorothy/grotto.jpg.png> the grotto air is thick with humidity. and [[cologne.]]

the steaming chlorine mixed with fragrance [[makes you sneeze]]

hef offers you some bathing suits to choose from, you didn't think to bring one. he gestures to a private changing room carved out of fake rock. maybe [[the playboy]] is a gentleman?

<img src=Dorothy/hefasjackal.png> [[hefner is a jackal in gentleman's clothing]]

he pretends <<cycle "$pretending" autoselect>> <<option "he doesn't hear you">> <<option "this is par for the course">> <<option "to not understand">> <<option "that you screaming 'no' actually means 'keep going'">> <<option "that he's never done this before">> <</cycle>> you swallow so much jacuzzi water that you vomit. [[you relive this in nightmares for the rest of your life.]]

in the morning, a butler doesn't knock, carrying in a breakfast tray and two dozen <<textbox "$roses" "write the color + press enter" "let the games begin" >> roses.

the card says "to Dorothy" "please meet me for tea in the rose garden." [["luv, hef"]]

<img src=Dorothy/hefdevil.jpg> you hate him you want him to die but you are [[determined]] to make this all worth it. your hatred protects you like an invisible cake dome

you vow to yourself: [[you will eclipse him into obscurity.]]

<img src=Dorothy/pepsi.png> hef doesn't actually drink tea he's chugging pepsi. but he thought you might like some earl grey. you take long sips to avoid having to make small talk. [[no one mentions the grotto]]

[[he's acting like nothing ever happened]]

he tells you to think of him like a father he takes a deep breath, [[his eyes sparkling]]

[["Dorothy, you are going to be our 25th anniversary playmate"]]

tears burst out of your eyes, falling into the tea cup [[you're sobbing]]

hef smiles smugly "tears of joy" in all honesty, you are <<textbox "$recipient_name" "write your emotions">> hef frowns, [[and takes a swig of pepsi]]

"Dorothy? [[honey?]] what's the matter sweetheart?"

you scrunch up your face inhaling tears and mucus you want to throw the tea in his face and scream: <<textbox "$screaming" "..." "so this is really happening" >>

but instead you say "okay. thank you, mister hefner." hef narrows his eyes, [[offended]] by your formality

<img src=Dorothy/callmehef.png> [["honey, call me hef."]]

you make a point from that moment on <<timed 2s>> to only ever address him as [[mister hefner]]. <</timed>>

your [[body]] poses for the 25th anniversary pictorial

you blink, <<timed 1s>> you’re back at the mansion. <</timed>> <<timed 2.5s>> you blink again, <</timed>> <<timed 4s>> [[and months have passed]]. <</timed>>

and today is the 25th anniversary playmate of the year luncheon "[[today is the big day]]"

hundreds of people are here [[to see the ultimate bunny]]

"well miss Dorothy, where are we going for dinner tonight?" [[you're smiling again]]

<img src=Dorothy/dq.jpg> you start on the first of the month two hours of training, really not much preparation for how busy the store is [[all day ... every day]]

the shop bell chimes non-stop you murmur, "hi welcome to dairy queen, i'm Dorothy, how can i help you?" you think to yourself, <<textbox "$thoughts" "write thoughts + press enter" "during nightmares">>

at night, when you can't sleep [[you hear the shop bell chiming in your mind]]

then you're awake [[and you're back behind the counter]]

<img src=Dorothy/insidedairyqueen.png> and the bell has not chimed once today has been so slow, [[unusually slow]]

you pencil the first few words of a new piece: <<textbox "$newpoem" "..." "jeez whiz it's paul">>

the bell chimes. <<timed 2s>> this customer is already smiling at you <</timed>> <<timed 4s>> you're smiling before you can stop yourself <</timed>> <<timed 6s>> he hands you his business card, [[and says]] <</timed>>

<img src=Dorothy/paulsnider.png> [["the name's paul snider."]]

[["... and you are?"]] paul asks you, still smiling

"well miss Dorothy, where are we going for dinner tonight?" [[you're grinning]]

you close your smile, self concious of your <<cycle "$mouth" autoselect>> <<option "blushing">> <<option "eagerness">> <<option "dorky uniform">> <</cycle>> [[it's october 1977 and you've never felt more alive]]

you are seventeen. <<timed 2s>> paul is 26. <</timed>> <<timed 4s>> you are humble and self-deprecating. <</timed>> <<timed 6s>> paul's favorite thing is paul. <</timed>> <<timed 8s>> you internalize the world, deep in thought. <</timed>> <<timed 10s>> paul talks. <</timed>> <<timed 11s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 12s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 13s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 14s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 15s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 16s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 17s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 18s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 19s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 20s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 21s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 22s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 23s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 24s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 25s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 26s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 27s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 28s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 29s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 30s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 31s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 32s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 33s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 34s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 35s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 36s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 37s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 38s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 39s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 40s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 41s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 42s>> and talks <</timed>> <<timed 43s>> and keeps talking... <</timed>> <<timed 17.5s>> but pauls is <<cycle "$qualities" autoselect>> <<option "cheeky">> <<option "worldly">> <<option "rakish">> <<option "disarmingly sweet">> <<option "so quick witted">> <</cycle>> <</timed>> <<timed 25s>> [[and you fall in love]] right there in the dairy queen <</timed>>

<img src=Dorothy/paulscar.png> paul picks you up every night after work. [[months go by]]

you tell your mum [[you're at lisa's house, studying]]

<img src=Dorothy/paulbouquet.jpg> paul wines and dines you, [[except you have never tasted wine]]

you order [[a club soda,]] you heard it once in a movie

paul teases you, calls you <<cycle "$namecalling" autoselect>> <<option "a putz">> <<option "a princess">> <<option "a dork">> <<option "a space cadet">> <<option "a baby">> <</cycle>>, but his eyes have hearts in them [[♡♡]]

paul is not unemployed. <<timed 2s>> [[paul is an entrepreneur.]] <</timed>>

he's built businesses, <<cycle "$fortunes" autoselect>> <<option "made fortunes">> <<option "lost fortunes">> <</cycle>> [[and he'll make them again]]

he's worked in <<cycle "$jobz" autoselect>> <<option "casting">> <<option "car sales">> <<option "club promotion">> <</cycle>> he even invented "a breast enhancing exercise machine" [[( . Y . )]]

some shmuck stole his idea [[and filed the patent out from under him]]

he tells you he knows a star when he sees one "and you, Dorothy, are a star" [[☆]]

his brown eyes widen [[“you could be the next marilyn monroe”]]

<img src=Dorothy/marilynpoem.png> [[she wrote poems too]] you start to say

[[“she had a killer body and a funny little whisper too,”]] paul talks over you excitedly

then [[he unfolds a flyer]] stashed behind his pocket square

<img src=Dorothy/playmatesearch.jpg> "the bunny hunt: the search for playboy's 25th anniversary playmate is on!" "ladies, do you have [[what it takes]]?"

you feel nauseous not this again [[you can’t do it]]

today playboy, tomorrow hollywood! [[“all you gotta do is...”]]

"pose for a couple <<timed 2s>> [[nude]] <</timed>> pictures"

you've never even let paul see you without a bra. but paul says <<cycle "$schmoozes" autoselect>> <<option "this is your chance honey">><<option "our chance">><<option "we can have all we ever wanted">> <<option "all you gotta do is take a couple of beautiful nude pictures">> <<option "it's art! all the artists paint nudes">> <<option "picasso!">> <<option "michelangelo!">> <<option "that other guy with the messed up ear!">> <<option "[[all those cats you're always yapping on about]]">><</cycle>>

[["come on, honey. do it for us"]]

"if you can't do this for me, for yourself, for us..." <<timed 2s>> "then i don't [[see]] a future here" <</timed>>

[[he's going to break up with you if you don't do it]]

[[so you do it]] or but you [[say no]]

the photographer is a friend of paul's but he also shoots the yearbook photos for your high school. last year, he took your tenth grade portrait to make you feel [[more comfortable]],

paul has taped up previous [[playboy centerfolds]] all around his apartment

<img src=Dorothy/bearskin.png> but you spot a tag [[with washing instructions]]

you're shaking you keep bursting into tears ruining <<cycle "$ruins" autoselect>> <<option "your makeup">> <<option "the shot">> <<option "paul's mood">> <</cycle>> <<timed 5s>> [[finally, it's over]] <</timed>>

"was that really so bad?" <<timed 1s>> yes. <</timed>> <<timed 2.5s>> you want to pretend it never happened. <</timed>> <<timed 3.5s>> but you don't want it to be a waste. <</timed>> <<timed 4.5s>> you want to be chosen <</timed>> <<timed 5.5s>> but you don't want your mum to ever know. <</timed>> <<timed 6.5s>> you want to make paul proud. <</timed>> <<timed 7.5s>> you [[really don't know]] what you want to happen <</timed>>

a few <<cycle "$timingz" autoselect>> <<option "days">> <<option "weeks">> <</cycle>> later playboy calls you. someone named [[“marilyn grabowski”]]

“[[call me mo]]"

mo wants you to come to los angeles, today. okay- it can be tomorrow if necessary. [[but immediately.]]

she wants you to come "test" for the magazine. [[“you'll be staying at the playboy mansion”]] "that's where all our girls stay when they're testing"

<img src=Dorothy/plane.jpg> it's only your [[second]] plane ride ever.

playboy flies you business class, that's what you tell paul. it was [[actually]] economy plus, but you didn't know that.

<img src=Dorothy/limo.jpg> a stretch limousine meets you at lax, with a printed sign that says [[m i s s D o r o t h y S t r a t t e n]]

you sit in nearly two hours of traffic you feel like you're about to throw up <<timed 3s>> [[when all of a sudden]] <</timed>>

[[the light changes]]

<img src=Dorothy/gates.jpg> [[and you're at the mansion gates]]

<img src=Dorothy/thegreatlawn.jpg> the playboy mansion looks like a fairytale [[castle]] bleached by the sun

you barely have time to <<cycle "$settle" autoselect>> <<option "fix your makeup">> <<option "change your clothes">> <<option "look around the guest house">> <<option "say thank you to the butlers">> <<option "quickly rebrush your teeth">> <<option "[[catch your breath]]">> <</cycle>> before you are whisked off to the studio

<img src=Dorothy/robe.png> it takes hours for the playboy photography team to convince you to drop the terry cloth robe. you cry softly and they have to re-do your makeup. finally it's over [[and you are driven back to the mansion]]

<img src=Dorothy/pinkiemansion.png> the mansion twinkles in the pinkie dusk <<timed 2s>>you crunch along the gravel path,<</timed>> <<timed 4s>>across the great lawn,<</timed>> <<timed 6s>>past the wishing well,<</timed>><<timed 8s>> through the aviary,<</timed>> <<timed 10s>> around the tennis courts<</timed>> <<timed 12s>>you get a bit lost [[in mr. hefner's disneyland]]<</timed>>

[[you finally find the guest house]]

<img src=Dorothy/gaggingswanz.png> the bathroom is black marble and the gilded taps are shaped like gagging swans you are desperate to get into the king sized bed [[and drift far away from this day...]]

<img src=Dorothy/playboymansionphone.png> [[but the phone rings ......]]

"would you like to join mister hefner in the grotto?" <<timed 2s>> you do not want to go. <</timed>> <<timed 5s>> you are cozy, clean, fresh faced, no makeup. <</timed>> <<timed 8s>> you don't want to have to make small talk with the boss.<</timed>> <<timed 11s>> [[you are so nervous.]] <</timed>>

but you don't want to make a bad impression. insult mister hefner. infuriate paul. ruin your chances. ruin your whole [[life]]

the grotto could be the difference between being in the magazine, and [[being sent away forever]]

you're gripping the phone receiver so tightly your fingers go numb <<timed 3s>> [["miss Dorothy? are you still there?"]] <</timed>>

you breathe in through your nose and say "[[no, i am so terribly sorry...]]" or [["oh yes, thank you, i'll be right there"]]

you've been chosen to be playmate of the month. miss august 1979. [[you are going to be in playboy]]

<img src=Dorothy/ladysmith.jpg> you buy a small farm in ladysmith your mum and sister move there with you, your brother visits sometimes you have rescue animals, you adore them they adore you and you invite school groups to come visit, to learn about [[kindness]] to animals

you love [[waking up]] for sunrise

<img src=Dorothy/hefdidnotmakeyouastar.png> hef will forever claim he is [[the one who made you a star]]

<img src=Dorothy/snowhouse.jpg> in the winter, you rent the farm's small cabins to increasingly cosmopolitan tourists who love the feeling of living off the grid, for a few days you keep writing. the local newspaper calls you: [[“the bunny with a brain”]]

you teach a creative writing workshop at the farm every summer, and it's [[always]] fully booked.

you and louise jump in the lake every day, [[even in winter]]

and when peter asks you where you're [[off]] to

you take a deep breath you say please don't get upset but you believe it's the right thing to do, the decent thing to do, for the man you once loved the man who discovered you [[you tell peter you're going to see paul]]

and then [[it's thursday]]

and [[when peter asks you]] where you're off to

"doll, you still have stuff at the house." he wants to give it [[back to you]]

he promises it will be all cordial, loving even. "after all we've been through [[baby]]"

somehow, you still feel for paul. [[after all,]]

he was the first person to really believe [[in you]].

you agree to meet him at the house on thursday this will be good. you and paul will clear the air. maybe one day, you can be friends. <<timed 5s>>and then [[it's thursday]] <</timed>>

you are about to explore life(s) as someone else <<timed 2.5s>> as an artist who was pulled from this world [[too soon]] <</timed>>

[[Dorothy Ruth Hoogstraten]], known professionally as Dorothy Stratten

there is one potential path you may find yourself on, <<timed 2s>> which is her true story. <</timed>> <<timed 6s>> the others[[*]] are a kaleidoscope of [[what could have been]] <</timed>>

the hope is that we get to know Dorothy by empathizing with her deeply <<timed 3s>> as we face the world she faced. <</timed>> <<timed 7s>> please know that once you make a decision, [[you cannot go back]] <</timed>>

follow your [[heart]], as she did

let's [[begin]]

[[Dorothy Ruth Hoogstraten]], known professionally as Dorothy Stratten

you look up from your unlined notebook, where you write poems in the (typically) brief respite between orders [[you've written a lot today]]

barely any customers you take out your unlined notebook [[you haven't really written at all since new york]]

he's going to break up with you [[if you don't do it]].

you cry softly and they have to re-do your makeup. <<timed 4s>> finally <</timed>> <<timed 6s>> it's over <</timed>> <<timed 8s>> and you are driven [[back to the mansion]] <</timed>>

<img src=Dorothy/playboymansionphone.png> [[but the phone rings]]

when you close your eyes, you can see your lines. you. work. so. hard. [[and then,]]

<img src=Dorothy/peterattheparty.jpg> "hi" "i'm peter bogdanovich" [[you smile politely.]]

you hate yourself for missing paul and you hate peter too sometimes but you feel as if you two share one set of lungs, [[this terrible bond]]

<img src=Dorothy/malibufarm.png> rumours spread that you and peter refuse to ever drive the 405 eventually, hbo makes a miniseries about the whole tragedy you act in a few more movies. you're nominated for one golden globe award, best supporting actress. you and peter live in malibu. your mum and your sister move into the guest house. you take care of your beloved rescue animals, nursing them back to life in your sprawling yard. you die first, age 79. peter dies two days later. [[you are Dorothy Stratten]]

<img src=Dorothy/gosling.png> you act in a few more movies. you're nominated for one golden globe award, best supporting actress. you and peter live in malibu. your mum and your sister move into the guest house. you take care of your beloved rescue pets, nursing them back to life in your sprawling yard. you die first, age 79. peter dies two days later. [[you are Dorothy Stratten]]

jack says he'll never forget you, <<timed 1.5s>> but you pray he does. <</timed>> <<timed 3.5s>> you come home to [[vancouver]] <</timed>>

where you are a mermaid [[with black teeth]]

your [[mind]] takes you deep under the ocean

the next few weeks blur together like murky watercolors <<timed 3s>> paul can't get his visa approved for america <</timed>> <<timed 6s>> due to "suspected ties to criminal organizations" and "past convictions" <</timed>> <<timed 9s>> you feel awful but <</timed>> <<timed 12s>> strangely relieved? <</timed>> <<timed 16s>> [[you're alone]] <</timed>>

<img src=Dorothy/oscars.png> it's a huge hit it's the number one best selling memoir of the 1980s it's one of the best selling memoirs of all time playboy struggles to come back from the controversy, from the truth. your truth. hef is forced to resign. you make your book into a film, you cast 12 different actors to play you simultaneously. very experimental. you are nominated for best picture. you lose to peter bogdanovich. you don't care. you know you've won. [[you are Dorothy Stratten]]

"but i have <<textbox "$excuse" "quickly come up with an excuse here" >> and i won't be able to join mister hefner. please extend my sincerest apologies to him." <<timed 7s>> [[the phone line goes dead.]] <</timed>>

the next morning, a very polite editorial assistant from the magazine knocks on the guest room door, thanking you [[for your time.]]

he informs you that although you have [[not been chosen]] for the magazine,

you are invited to train at the playboy club here in los angeles, and become a [[bunny]]

<img src=Dorothy/playboyclub.jpg> it's a prestigious job, he assures you. you will be fitted for your own custom bunny costume. and who knows, he winks bunny today, maybe [[playmate]] tomorrow!

your stomach drops and tears swell [[from the back of your throat up to your eyes]]

you didn't make the magazine. but you have a job. a [[chance.]]

you begin bunny training the next afternoon. paul can't get a visa to america because he has outstanding criminal charges. you miss him sometimes, but you're so excited for [[this new world]]

you live at the bunny house, a dormitory-style apartment complex run by the magazine. it takes your mum and your siblings 2 years but they [[finally]] manage to come visit.

you shout, confused but peter insists on going to the door himself [["wait in the car Dorothy"]]

<img src=Dorothy/house.jpg> peter is banging on the front door of the house, paul's house the house you [[used]] to share with him

you are crying, hitting your hands against the car window again and again you watch [[as paul answers the front door]]

you scream [["peter!"]]

you pass out. <<timed 6s>> you awaken in a hospital bed at cedars-sinai. <</timed>> <<timed 11s>> peter is gone. <</timed>> <<timed 14.5s>> [[the love of your life.]]<</timed>>

you are [[frozen]] in heartbreak.

<img src=Dorothy/petersplace.png> you blame yourself for peter's death, for peter's murder. but it is not your fault. you write a book about peter. about your grief, about your love. it is a new york times best seller. you use the money to start a rescue farm for animals just outside of manhattan. you call it "peter's place" [[you are Dorothy Stratten]]

[[you stop sleeping.]]

you cry out, banging on the car window you are frantic, you don't want peter to be <<cycle "$peterz" autoselect>> <<option "so macho">> <<option "so insensitive">> <</cycle>> adding insult to [[paul's heartbreak]]

paul shoots peter. and then shoots himself. both men [[die]] instantly

<img src=Dorothy/greatgreatlawn.jpg> hef hosts your [[wedding]] on the great lawn

the following life(s) are based on years of personal research, and intuitive imaginings. a full bibliography of sources can be found [[here]] the constant throughout all of her potential life(s) is who Dorothy was as a person according to those who knew her and loved her, as well as Dorothy's own writings.[[**]]

there is one potential path you may find yourself on, which is her true story. the others[[*]] are a kaleidoscope of [[what could have been]]

<<cycle "$timingz" autoselect>> <<option "minutes">> <<option "hours">> <<option "days">> <</cycle>> pass. <<timed 6s>> the phone rings. <</timed>> <<timed 8s>> [[it's marilyn grabowski from the studio]] <</timed>>

but hef refuses to allow paul to [[sit with you]]

"...mario casilli," the photographer who shot [[your playboy pictorials.]]

you don't even have to look at paul. you can [[feel]] his humiliation, all the way from the back of the room.

you hope it hurts. [[he deserves it.]]

after the luncheon, you tell paul you need space. he knows he's been too hard on you, he begs you to forgive him. [[he is panicking.]]

you pack a small bag and tell him you just need some time. he cries, asking you where you're going and you lie. you say you're going to your friend linda's house [[but really,]]

<img src=Dorothy/peterhouse.png> you move into peter's house. you finally start sleeping again. one night as peter cooks you dinner, you quietly excuse yourself [[to the bathroom]]

and then it's the big day. you and paul arrive at the mansion, and hef's security stops paul before he can take the seat next to you. you can't live like this anymore. you are ready to be free, to be you. to be with peter. [[to live life beyond playboy and paul]]

<img src=Dorothy/machu.jpg> you teach english at a small private elementary school. you publish a few short stories in prism international and you write every day for the rest of your life. your students love you, and every year for graduation you gift each of them a personalized poem your best friends are like family to you. and during summer breaks, you all travel together. japan, england, machu picchu you get good at film photography, you turn your spare bathroom into a dark room. you and your dog bebe pass away at the exact same moment, both sleeping peacefully ages 83 and 14 respectively. [[you are Dorothy Stratten]]

[[he's in the room]]

[[he's in the bed]]

[[he's in your hair]]

begin [[again]]

<img src=Dorothy/ceilingfan2.png> in the ceiling of the old house, you see <<cycle "$ceiling" autoselect>> <<option "fairies">> <<option "strange faces">> <<option "love stories">> <<option "shooting stars">> <<option "your future">> <</cycle>> your baby brother John is born and 3 years go by. your dad leaves your family. mum moves you all from vancouver to holland, because she longs to be back in her homeland you're only three but you feel <<textbox "$feelings" "(write feelings + press enter)" "to holland">> about moving to holland

for your mum, canada has never felt like home but now, neither does holland. she is a stranger in her familiar land. you all move back to vancouver and your mum remarries. your step father is a cruel man [[...but]]

<img src=Dorothy/louise.png> your little sister louise is born on may 8th, a darling taurus with most people you are painfully shy, a true introvert. but your sister gets to see the real you with louise, you can be charismatic, you can be playful, you can be bold. sometimes with her, you're even a little <<cycle "$sister_energy" autoselect>> <<option "daring">> <<option "stern">> <</cycle>> [[you turn fourteen years old]]

you start writing poetry. you write: “time has no pattern. some are worried and try to save time for a later date, but then realize time cannot be saved, and all the while they are living they are also [[dying...]]"

<img src=Dorothy/unicornpiggybank.png> you want to help your mum with <<cycle "$moneys" autoselect>> <<option "rent">> <<option "her car payments">> <<option "the electricity bill">> <</cycle>> so you give her your whole piggy bank, every penny you've saved from every sidewalk. but your step-father's words buzz in your ear... PoEtRy WoNt PaY tHe BiLlS it's 1974 and it's time [[to get a job]]

dairy queen offers you a cashier position and phil's pharmacy wants you to start on monday in the stock room they will both pay you the same starting salary. so... <<timed 3s>> [[which do you choose?]] <</timed>>

[[dairy queen]] or [[phil's pharmacy]]?

[[you are Dorothy Stratten.]]

as a baby, you don't cry often. your mum nelly often finds you [[gazing]] up at the ceiling, lost in thought

bibliography this list is a comprehensive record of my research references, but it feels imperative to state that some of these sources are problematic at best, riddled with innacuracies, playboy loyalties, and misogyny at worst. if you wish to learn more about Dorothy Stratten, i have marked my personal recommendations with a "☆" denoting the most nuanced, crucial, and informative sources- in my opinion. back to previous page: [[**]] Anonymous. (2025). Main Menu. Dorothystratten.com. http://www.dorothystratten.com/Main_Menu.html ☆ Bernstein, L., & Riley, J. (1981, May). Dorothy Stratten: Her Story. Playboy Magazine, 28(5), 186–250. Biography. (2024, August 7). Actress Dorothy Stratten’s Incredible Story | Full Documentary | Biography. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAlK83ZyRzs ☆ Bogdanovich, P. (1985). The Killing of the Unicorn: Dorothy Stratten, 1960-1980. ‎William Morrow & Co; First Edition. Carpenter, T. (2020, February 14). Death of a Playmate. The Village Voice. https://www.villagevoice.com/death-of-a-playmate/ CBS 8 San Diego. (2020, March 9). Playboy Mansion West 1978. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGk03_34YRQ Cinema Hoje Ontem. (2024, May 4). They All Laughed (1981) - Peter Bogdanovich - legendas. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZPv2ondfsk Collection: Richard Rhodes papers | Kenneth Spencer Research Library Archival Collections. (2021). Ku.edu. https://archives.lib.ku.edu/repositories/3/resources/5340 danaplatofan. (2008, February 1). Dorothy Stratten rare interview from 1980. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SahoSvAAbH4 Dirsmith, R. (2015). Inside Hefner’s Pleasure-Domes: Designing Xanadu for an American Icon Architecture and Dreams in Hugh Hefner’s Empire With the Fabled Playboy Mansion Grotto. CreateSpace. Dorothy Stratten. (2025). Americanlegends.com. https://www.americanlegends.com/magnet/dorothy_stratten.html FILMIX. (2022, December 16). Galaxina (1980) | RETRO SCI-FI MOVIE | Stephen Macht - Avery Schreiber - J.D. Hinton. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i--mEfdgXpg Hefner, C. (2024). Only Say Good Things. Grand Central Publishing. Izabella St. James. (2010). Bunny Tales. ReadHowYouWant.com. ☆ Longworth, K. (2015, April 25). You Must Remember This: Dead Blondes (No. 13) [Podcast]. Panoply. Madison, H. (2016). Down The Rabbit Hole : Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny. Dey St., An Imprint Of Williammorrowpublishers. Madison, H., & Marquardt, B. (n.d.). Girls Next Level (No. 1-134) [Podcast]. Audiobloom. Memories of the old Century City Mall. (n.d.). Memories of the Old Century City Mall. https://martinostimemachine.blogspot.com/2020/12/the-old-century-city-mall.html moviehub. (2023, February 6). Death of a Centerfold The Dorothy Stratten Story 1981. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5eVNWbXdrw Nelson, A. (2022, January 24). Secrets of Playboy (No. 2). Apple TV. Pattin, T. (2024). Hollywood & Crime Season 4: Death of a Starlet (No. 1-7) [Podcast]. Wondery+. ☆ Playboy Magazine, S. W. (1979, August). She’ll Take Romance: Playmate of the Month. Playboy Magazine, 26(8), 116–125. Preciado, P. (2019). PORNOTOPIA : an essay on playboy’s architecture and biopolitics. Zone Books. Saginor, J. (2009). Playground. Harper Collins. Teck, B. (2022). Sounds More Like a Poem To Me - a Portrait of The Movie Director. Bill Teck. https://billteck.com/bill-teck/f/sounds-more-like-a-poem-to-me---a-portrait-of-the-movie-director Tetenbaum, S. (2022). The Dark Secrets of Playboy. Around the World Publishing, LLC. back to previous page: [[**]]

<img src=Dorothy/pisces.png> you are born in british columbia on february 28th, 1960 you are a true [[pisces]]: creative, kindly, mystical, and misunderstood